Although I've been feeling very moody and semi-depressed, I'm staying focussed on running. I am going to take it very slowly. I am going to start running this year. I may be slow. I may look stupid. I don't really give a flying rat's ass/ I am going to do it.

I may not look good to others but I am feeling really good. I went on a hike yesterday and I've been walking still. I did an intense work out on Wednesday that had my booty burning for like 3 days. I'm trying to keep it up.

My birthday is coming up. I have to say. I am enjoying my 30s. I'm here to fight the good fight and enjoy my life.

You do the same.

Love,

R

I love Facebook. I love finding old friends and new friends and catching up. Sometimes it leaves me feeling slightly icky. I don't know. I think I would feel less icky if I had more of a social life. I found my first true love on there. I thought he wasn't going to add me as a friend and I freaked out. He was a guy that I fell in love with when I was about 12 or 13. I don't know what happened but over the course of several years we became friends. He eventually became my boyfriend but he also moved to Sydney, New South Wales, Australia.

This broke my heart. He had become a dear friend to me and my boyfriend. He was my first real kiss and many other firsts. I cried when he moved. I loved him so much.He was never coming back to America. I couldn't move to Australia. We talked on the phone often for 8 months. It was horrible. Our phone bills were huge. I got over him because I had to.I eventually moved on to another school and another person to like. I remember his father came to visit from Sydney. I saw him and I started to cry.

It's funny how people can be such a huge part of your life and then they're gone. The memories just fade into the corners of your mind. And then the memories get sparked and it's like you can feel things again.

I'm having a really shitty day. Excuse my language. It's shitty. And I have few people that I can talk to. My heel hurts. I feel crappy and wish that I had someone to make me a nice dinner and give me a break from the kids.

I'm a terrible mother. I just don't understand kids but I remember being one. And I realize that I am turning into my mother.

Why, why is this such a clichéd thing to happen?

I love my children but why is everything so retarded. Why is it when you ask them to clean up that they won't? Why won't they just pick up there toys. Why do they have to eat like cookie monster. Why does my child want to eat granola bars all day. Why won't they just eat what I cook?

I got locked out of the condo, again!!! My husband told me to climb in through the window. This made me very upset. One because I would just like for many times to have someone want to come run to my rescue and say, "I know you have a hard job. Being a mom is exhausting. I know you try so hard to make everyone happy and I'll come help you."

I guess sometimes I just want a little kindness. It feels like sometimes very few people remember to be kind these days.

The terrible mother part is that I guess I'm just tired and I would like a break now and then. I wish I didn't have to ask for every little thing and sometimes my husband would just think about me the way I try to think about his needs.

Okay, enough whining for me. Sorry. Hope everyone has a good Halloween.

Currently, I have several projects that I'm working on. The most important to me is my music project. I think I have the most of the music complete for one of my songs. I'm very proud of myself. This has truly been challenging for me. I worked out the lyrics, bass and guitar lines. I don't even really play guitar. I'd like to play a few open mike nights around town. I think that would be cool.

I just remember when I was in a band. I played a very small gig in L.A. and got heckled. This hipster mod douche kept yelling, "Play the big butt song". I just kept playing.

Who gives a shit if my ass is huge! I can play the bass guitar. I'm probably more talented that many so-called musicians and artists. Seriously, Kim from the RHOA cannot sing but she has a song on iTunes that people are buying. How sad is that?

I think I need to develop thicker skin. That's no secret. I also think that culture teaches people to dissect women body part by body part. Oh Barbie has cankles. This person is this and that and whatever.

I like Kelly Clarkson. I like the fact that she looks normal and she has a great voice. I think Jennifer Hudson is amazing too. These women are seriously talented and their talent has gotten them far.

I think I'm judgmental. I do. I like celebrity gossip. I think it's toxic though. Overall, it can make me feel icky at times. Either because I feel envious of what they have or just because people assume you know the whole story about everything from reading a paragraph. (Note to self: Stop reading celebrity gossip).

As a mother, I try to be encouraging to my sons to eat better and live better. My older son knows his mommy is fat but he also sees me trying to exercise and eat better.

I want to pursue my music and that part of making music is performing. I need to build my energy and stamina on stage to have a great presence. I can't be everything to everyone. I want everyone to like me but that is going to happen. I know that. I am learning who I am and I think that I'll be better going for what I want in life than being passive.

My mother had cancer during the last 2 years I was in college. I stayed in Texas despite my desire to finish college elsewhere because she needed help. When she wasn't completely drained from the chemo, she was fighting with her insurance company to get treatment for her cancer. It was so disgusting to me.

She supposedly has good healthcare. Well, when she was initially getting her treatments they bounced her here and there...and told her she needed to go to M.D. Anderson. I accompanied my mother to almost all of her treatments. What I noticed is that the doctors were very persistent on the course of treatment they wanted my mother to take. They told her she needed to do a certain course of treatment but her insurance would deny her so she would have to call them about getting approval. And she also had to argue with them just to get the medication she needed to help with the ease of chemo. I advocated for my mother when I went for treatments with her because I wasn't going to let the doctors use her as a guinea pig. They would say horrible things, "If you don't do this treatment, you are going to die!" I responded, "She's either die from the cancer or the treatment." Most people trust their doctors who are treating them under these circumstances. Their families listen to these professionals. When a family member has stage 4 cancer, are most people going to ask, "Is that procedure really necessary?" I seriously doubt it. It was a really difficult time for me and my mother. She survived cancer. I thank the God for that. I still feel like I need my mother. I am thankful that she had care and she was able to fight but it was a rough time.

My other experience with healthcare is that....this is personal but I feel that I need to share. I have had health problems for a really long time. I gained weight quickly and had no regular menstrual cycles. I had severe acne as an adult. I knew something was wrong with me but no one would treat me. Gynecologists would say just take birth control pills and that will regulate your cycle. That has never happened.

When I was 21, I doctor casually mentioned that I might have something called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. He told me that I might not be able to have children. They really freaked me out.

How do you get this thing? Well, I have no idea. The doctors don't really know. It could be genetic and related to the fact that diabetes runs in the family. Or it could be all the hydrogenated fats that were introduced into our American diets by processed foods.

I am fat. I know this. I understand that it is my responsibility to do something about my weight to decrease symptoms. I have struggled with this ALL my adult life and will for the rest of my life. I do exercise. I do cook well most of the time. I'm human. I have weaknesses.

Now I have a pre-existing condition but I can take medication to help control the symptoms.The medication to help with weight loss because the PCOS makes you insulin resistant. I feel hungry all the time if I don't take my meds. This is really important for me because if I'm not on the proper dose then all sorts of crap happens with my body and my mind.

Am I frustrated? Oh yes, I don't want to have this condition. I want to lose weight. I want to be healthy and active. I don't like to have to take medication and obsess and worry about what I eat. I do. I'm also trying to research what I should do to regain my health.

I'm am doing research on my own to find an eating style that will work for me and the insulin resistance. I can't switch heath insurance because of this condition. I feel like a lot of physicians think of me as a fattie and don't realize how hard I struggle with everything on a daily basis.

What I would like to see is a change in our healthcare system. I'd would like a government option because I feel like healthcare companies aren't working right. I can't go to a doctor and get a price and shop around. It doesn't work like that. I don't really get straight answers from the insurance company when I ask them questions. Our family pays a lot into healthcare every year. It's no joke.

I can't imagine what happens when people can't get insurance and have to pay out of pocket for stuff. It's scary.

My son was in the hospital when he was two weeks old. He had gotten pneumonia. I was so scared that he was going to die. We had insurance for him but when I took him to the emergency room I had forgotten to bring my card. I was tired and sleep deprived. I had taken it out of my wallet for some reason. I think I had been trying to make sure he was added to the insurance. I realized that I had forgotten it but my husband had gone camping. Everyone was really nice except the woman who wanted to collect the information. I mean she was down right nasty.

We our such a class-ist society. It's disgusting. It really is. There is a perception that if you don't have money you deserve to be treated like an ignorant piece of shit. This is from my experience. It doesn't matter how you communicate, if the perception is there that is how you will be treated.

Smart

My husband gave me the most wonderful compliment the other night. He said I was smart.

He's studying logic games for the LSAT to better himself (I'm so proud of him). Anyway, he's using the book I used to study for the test. He told me that he missed a question that I got correct. I asked him if that made him feel dumb and he said, "No, it made me appreciate how smart you are."

How cool is that? It meant more to me than him saying I was pretty or beautiful. I'll take that compliment over being called sexy any day.

Emotional Eating

Emotional eating. Don't do it.

HA! Like it is that easy. If it was I wouldn't do it would I? No.

I walked around the mall today. I was thinking about how great it would be not to have to shop in the plus sized section. It got me thinking (but that isn't hard because I think too much) about my eating habits.

Everyone knows or should know that you have to eat. People need food for energy. The catch is that it is pleasurable. I enjoy a well cooked meal or nice fruit and vegetables. Food is wonderful and social. When people cook for me that is special. Very few people actually invite me over to eat or cook something for me.

I wouldn't say I'm a foodie. I just have always cooked. And I'm a picky eater who likes to eat. When I feel really bad I eat. I notice it more. I am more present with it now but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

This past week and a half, I have been craving sweets. I am also feeling extremely frustrated and powerless. I have been eating sweets but not bingeing just eating. The craving is really strong. Willpower is one thing. I wish I had some when it comes to my feelings and the cravings. It's just that when I can't express myself and I'm not happy about a situation I just internalize it all.

I haven't read anything that really would help me cope with these horrible cravings. Yes, snack healthy, exercise, eat a healthy well balanced diet. If I get triggered, what the hell am I suppose to do? Most of the time I call everyone and anyone I know before I indulge. The craving is more than a craving. It takes over my mind.

I am trying to be mindful though. It's not easy. It's not easy to have a network of friends and family. My family causes stress.I find it hard to find real friendships with people. I'm a little shy but also I'm weary of people using me. I'm a fairly nice person not always. I'm not perfect but I think I try to be a good person. I think it's just hard to like find people that you really like and connect with. If I had more time, I think I could maybe try to connect with people but most people worth the time are busy themselves.

I've noticed since I've gained more weight people aren't as friendly towards me. But I'm also self-consciencious. It's stupid. It's a retarded cycle is dumb. Which is why I went to walk at the mall.

I feel better after going. I felt productive. I wish I had the money to actually buy something. Whatever.

Did I have a point? Emotional eating is a problem for me. I don't think the answer is going to come easy. I just have to learn coping skills. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy I suppose. Is there a psychology book on that? I think I bought it but never finished. Again, retarded.

Okay, so when I feel emotional. I am going to write, go for a walk, or a drive.

I'm also not going to feel defeated this week because of these setbacks. I'm human and I going to learn to deal. Deal. Cool.

I really don't have that much time to write today. What's up with me?

I have a toddler who won't take a nap. I'm a bit sleep deprived myself and disorganized. There is another boy who needs my attention. These are the joys of motherhood.

I'm tired but you must know that already. I walked to school and back today twice today with the boys. I also went to the gym.

My eating habits need to change. I feel like I need to become more strict with my eating habits if I want to see major changes in the way I feel and look.

Am I frustrated? Oh Hell Yes. I'm working hard. Low-impact but hard and I'm hungry all the time.

I find it hard to make time to do the stuff I want to do like blog and play music. I feel like I'm hardly ever alone. I'm not. I think I might go insane.

Yesterday, I had a talk with my girlfriend about it. She lent an ear to my distress. She told me that I need to be the change that I want to see in my life.

She's right. I knew it. I needed to hear it.

I can't control my husband or children or my mom or anybody. It's not easy. I get pretty overwhelmed. It's nice to know that I have a friend rooting for me though.

Anyway, I'm still chugging along this week. I gotta go before the little guy tears up my home.